SLOTH PT 2

Getting lenient with your internet security?

Possibly not the best idea. Admittedly, I’m not the biggest or most loyal devotee to the numerous internet security services in existence out there, but I am one to admit to a fear that my laziness will eventually lead to my financial and social disposal

My financial disposal: I’m browsing all the most super fashionable fashion websites cause I’m just so damn fashionable. I see a cute $367 sequinned vest, with the same body coverage as a nappy would have on a grown man. Nevertheless, I’m a slave for style. So I click, ‘Add to cart’, and the catastrophe begins.

Unfortunately, my numerous trips to somewhat questionable internet dating, gambling and strange video sites have led me astray. Without my knowledge, a deadly virus (which will from herein be known as DeadlyVirus1) has squirmed its way into my computer, tearing it apart from the inside.

As I enter my imaginary credit card details in order to purchase aforementioned $367 nappy-sized-sequinned-vest, DeadlyVirus1 supposedly REMEMBERS MY KEYSTROKES, and sends them back to his evil master, MeanEvilStealerDemon666 (witty, aren’t I?).

MeanEvilStealerDemon666 then drains all of my credit accounts to invest in the establishment of his newest project, a brothel set out in the countryside (for those who like it fresh in the fresh air).

My sudden poorness leads to the failure of my next credit history check. In order to remedy the pain that my newfound supposed poverty has inflicted on me, I choose to compensate by acting in an emotionally destructive fashion, and I sleep with my boss’s husband. She finds out and I get fired.

With no income and no more money, the bank takes my house back. I am homeless, jobless and moneyless. Damn it. Hence, financial disposal.

Scenario 2: It’s Saturday night, and I’m feeling preeeeetty damn fine. So it’s time to break out the hard liquor, and consume an insane amount of straight vodka (because spirits are now cheaper than alcopops and therefore more appealing, thank you Kevin Rudd).  This is set to not only have detrimental effects on my liver, but also my reputation.

My 43^rd best friend, who happens to be in my company on Saturday night, is equipped with very handy ‘capture the moment’ equipment, and the very handy social networking weapon of mass destruction: Facebook.

Within 20 minutes of my drunken behaviour (which involves getting low, getting shaky and liking just the way people are) is posted for the world to see. Oh dear.

My boss is a bit of a creep and chooses to indulge in some Facebook stalking on a Sunday night. By Monday morning I’m fired, because, unfortunately, I decided it would be a good idea to wear my work uniform on my unflattering night out, and now I am ‘misrepresenting the company’. Yeah, thanks Boss. You never told me Toys’R’Us staff were supposed to represent the company in a child-friendly way. I never would have assumed that or guessed that or anything.

So, now, the situation continues in a horrible downward spiral: after losing my job, I seek emotional comfort by seducing my boss’s boyfriend (the main lady of Toys’R’Us has got to have time for both husbands and boyfriends, she’s a bit of a diva – which, as so eloquently described by Beyonce: ‘…is the female version of a hustler’). My friends are all shocked by my behaviour and no longer want to know me, so I burn my house down in an act of angst.

Once again, I am jobless, homeless, incomeless and now friendless.

Moral of the story: Don’t put everything on the internet. Untag those dodgy Facebook photos. Buy that $367 nappy vest on a computer you know is more secure. A little caution could very well change the course of your life.

Disclaimer: The above two scenarios are completely hypothetical and do not seek to portray any real life persons. Also I am sure that all Toys’R’Us staff are very squeaky clean and not at all alcoholic. And the purchase of nappy vests / excessive consumption of Smirnoff does not necessarily entail homelessness, joblessness, incomelessness or eternal loneliness. However, if you do find yourself in this situation, just steal a cat. You can use it to provide your food for a while, should you not mind eating rats, and then you can sell it for lots of money by selling it as ‘vintage and limited edition’ on the internet.